We in the Kirk of Calder seek with God's help to encourage and give opportunity to all to grow together in faith and service.
kirkofcalder   www.kirkofcalder.com
Humour
 
Inside This Site
Home
Photos
Services/Contacts
History
Stained Glass Windows
War Memorials
The Kirk Story
Ministers
Oldeani Project
The Calder Witches
Music in the Kirk
Church Organisations
Old Maps
Publications
Elders
Gift Aid Form
Internet Wedding
Humour
Links

Church Humour!

- At Kirk of Calder are not to 'stuffy' to have a laugh at ourselves 
..... so check out some of these....  

CHURCH "INTIMATIONS" ?

You will have heard of the mistakes people make in filling Insurance Claim forms, Well we now have 'something similar' from Church Intimations!

1. The bible class will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

2. Low Self Esteem Self-Help Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

3. The minister will preach his farewell message, after which
the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.


5. Thursday night 'Pot luck' Supper. Prayer and medication to
follow.

6. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. A…..

7. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church
hall. Music will follow.

8. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir
practice.


9. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church Hall.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

10. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.

11. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

12. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

13. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.

14 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
addition of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones.

15. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new giving
campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

16. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

17. During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon from Rev J.F. Stubbs.

18. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

19. Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Smith sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

20. While the Minister is on holiday,  massages can be given to the church secretary

21. The Minister would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister.

24. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

25. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

26. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

27. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

28. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

29. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

..
oo
o0O0ooo...

A one pound note met a twenty pound note in the cash 
register of a local grocery store. "Hey, where have you been?
-
I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos,
went on a cruise ship and did the rounds for a few weeks. I just got
back to the UK recently, went to a couple of football matches,
round  shopping centres, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one pound note said, "You know, same old stuff 
- church,
church, church..."


.oo
o0O0ooo...

One Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation:

"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons.....

a £500 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a £200 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
and a £100 sermon that lasts a full hour....

Now we'll take the collection."

...ooo0O0ooo...

 

TEAMWORK...
..means never having to take all the blame yourself !!

 

.ooo0O0ooo...

 

The minister was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking
the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting
wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it
again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the
third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he
gets loose, will he hurt us?"

ooo0O0ooo..

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children as they
were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary
to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

ooo0O0ooo

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand
my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. "

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters...


I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
"

ooo0O0ooo

 

When you do a good deed,
get a receipt,
(in case Heaven is like
the Inland Revenue !)

ooo0O0ooo

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac? 

............Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a Dog !

ooo0O0ooo

Three Ministers were having lunch. One
said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft at church. 
I've tried everything--noise,
spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place
fumigated and they won't go away.

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"


oo0O0ooo

 

Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, we can perhaps see why America have not adopted it:

A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometres.
Put your best 0.3 of a metre forward.
Spare the 5.03 metres and spoil the child.
28 grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 litres of pickled peppers.

 


oo0O0ooo

 

The young couple invited their minister for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mum 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

 

oo0O0ooo

 

A preacher, who was "humor impaired," attended a conference
to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the
entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The
crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman
was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered
the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, our pastor decided he'd give this humor thing
a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the
pulpit that Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head.
It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years
of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was not my
wife!" The congregation inhaled in surprise. After standing
there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to
recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted
out, "...and I can't remember who she was!
"

 

oo0O0ooo

A student studying to be a minister was so nervous at her first church service, his voice went hoarse and none of the congregation could hear a word she said. Before her second appearance in the pulpit, she asked the current moderator of the church how she could relax. The moderator said, "Next Sunday, it may Help if you put a little vodka in the glass kept in the pulpit. After just a few sips, your voice will loosen up and everything will be fine."

The next Sunday the student put the idea to the text and found the words just flowed as the sermon proceeded. She felt elated. Returning to the vestry, she found a letter from the moderator which read:

A nice try, but next time...

sip rather than gulp.

There are 10 only commandments, not 12

There are 12 disciples, not just 10

Don't refer to the cross as the "Big T"

We don't normally use the grace "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!" before our meals

We do not refer to Our Saviour, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"

David killed Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."

We never call The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

The Virgin Mary, is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

Last, but not least, next Saturday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

oo0O0ooo

Ten things you never hear in church..............

  1. Can I sit in the front pew this week.
  2. Amazing sermon! I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
  3. Personally I find telling others about my faith much more enjoyable than golf.
  4. I've decided to give our church an extra £20 a week rather than go on holiday this year.
  5. I volunteer to be the permanent Sunday School leader.
  6. Forget the minimum stipend, let's pay our minister so he can live like we do.
  7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
  8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
  9. Minister, have a month off. Go to that training course in Hawiai. We'll pay.
  10. Giving my money to God is so easy. I love sliding my fair share into the plate on Sunday mornings

On their way to church to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.

"Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted,

"It took me three months to find a minister up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

 

oo0O0oo

 

The following Bible statements were written by children - including their own spelling!,

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta
When the three wise guys from the eastside arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St.John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostlles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony". !!!!

 

oo0O0oo

 

 

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programmes such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new, undesirable programmes such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.  Can you help, please?!!?

Jane

-------

Dear Jane,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.  Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.  Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the programme files from the system, once installed.  Any new programme files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.

Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.  However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.  Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".  You will notice that this programme runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.  Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!  Avoid excessive use of this feature.  Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.  Beer 6.0 is a very bad programme that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Just remember!  The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.  Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance.  I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!  do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0.  This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.  Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. 

I hope these notes have helped.  Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

 

oo0O0oo

 

Childrens Letters to .......SANTA

Dear Santa Claus,
I need toys for this year and the next year and the next year.
- I can't write every year
Love Max

Dear Santa,
You don't have to give me anything for Christmas,
Just leave something for all the other days,
Love George

Dear Santa,
I love you. If you don't leave me anything for Christmas I won't cry.
- I am a big boy.
Love Steve
P.S. But I will be very sad.

Dear Santa
I want one of everything you got!
Morris

Dear Santa,
My grandmother says to my brother and me that the best Xmas present is good health.
I have good health already so I would like a doll instead.
Love Gertrude.

Dear Santa Claus
My name is Robert. I am 6 years old.
I want a rifle, a pistol, a machine gun, a hand grenade, dynamite, and tear gas.
I am planning a surprise for my big brother
Your Friend, Robert

Dear Santa Claus,
I would like to get on your good boy list.
I have been on plenty of bad boy lists already
Your friend, Horace

Hi Santa
Last year you didn't leave me anything so good.
The year before last year you didn't leave me anything so good.
This is your last chance
Your friend, Alfred

Dear Santa
I would like to have a dog, a cat, a rabbit, a pet monkey, a snake and a lion for Christmas.
My mother doesn't know about this letter<
Your Pal, Eugene

Children's Letters to GOD

Dear God
Remember when the snow was deep there was no school?
Can we have it again?
Guy

Dear God
Please send me a pony, I never asked for anything before - you can look it up
Bruce

Dear God
O.K. I kept my half of the deal,
Where's the bike?
Bert

Dear God
How come you didn't invent any new animals lately?
We still have just all the old ones
Johnny

Dear God<
I wished on a star two times , but nothing happened.
Now what?
Anna

Dear God,
That fairy you sent left 20p for my tooth and 50p for my brother's.
So you still owe me 30p
Peter

Dear God,
If you don't take the baby back - I will not clean up my room
Joy

Dear God
Christmas should be earlier because kids can only be good for so long
Beth

Dear God
We got a lot of Religion in our house . So don't worry about us.
Teddy

Dear God
Is Mother nature in your family?
Linda

Dear God
I am adopted . Is that as good as being real?
Paul

Dear God
If you don't want people to say bad words - why did you invent them?
Eugene

Dear God
My teacher says the North Pole is not really at the Top.
Did you make any other mistakes?
Herbie

Dear God
Count me in!
Herbie

Children on .......Love

I think you can fall in love if you have your picture taken in front of the church
Eric age 5

You have to love your baby brother otherwise he gets wind
Alice age 4

Sex is part of love, but not a very good part
Joanna age 6

If you eat sweets in church the minister tells Jesus
Robert aged 5

Mummy went away even though I loved her
Michael aged 6

My mother says she is cold and then makes me put on a coat
Colin age 7

When I am at school my mummy has fun
Stephen age 5

You have to love your own baby because everyone else finds them a nuisance
Patrick aged 8

I hate school, and school lunches , and all my friends
Patrick age 6

Ministers don't laugh much. I think it is because Jesus didn't tell many jokes
Richard aged 6

oo0O0oo

 

 

CALLING HEAVEN

Thank you for calling Heaven,

For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.

For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

  Press 1 for Requests.
  Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
 
Press 3 for Complaints.
 
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now.  However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received.  Please stay on the line. 

  If you would like to speak to:

   God, press 1.
  
Jesus, press 2.
  
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her national insurance number, followed by the "hash" sign.  (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code  666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

 For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.  Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.  Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local minister.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

 

oo0O0oo

 

Writing Techniques:

** Avoid alliteration. Always.
** Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
** Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
** Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
** Contractions aren't necessary.
** Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
** One should never generalize.
** Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
** Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
** Be more or less specific.
** One-word sentences? Eliminate.
** Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
** Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
** Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
** Who needs rhetorical questions?
** Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

 

oo0O0oo

 

How many choir members does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air. 

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.

Methodists: (see Baptists)

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

oo0O0oo

 

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

 

oo0O0oo

 

It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.

The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."

So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case.

A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.

The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?" 

"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

oo0O0oo

 

The minister, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

oo0O0oo

 

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of The General Assembly, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at a service the next day. 

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following, "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here." 

oo0O0oo

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

oo0O0oo

 

BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK


15. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.
14. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about    in the last management course you sent me to." 
13. "Whew! Guess I left the lid off the liquid paper."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission    statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective   people!" 
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance." 
 9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory   
      seminar you made me attend." 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards 
    people who practice Yoga?" 
7. "Darn, Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 
6. "The coffee machine is broke ..."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." 
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 
2. "Wasn't sleeping.  Was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands." 
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 
1. "AMEN"

oo0O0oo

 

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.

oo0O0oo

 

 

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

 1) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a  strip club at least once. 

2) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a   passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. 

3) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

4) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

5) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

8) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

9) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you  make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

10) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

oo0O0oo

 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming  around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

 As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever  he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse) !

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set  off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

 

.......... Wait for it..............

 

 "I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

oo0O0oo

 

Finally ...When your wife asks, "Do I look fat in this?" The correct response is.........., 

"Do I look stupid?"

Home

 
 

Kirk of Calder Parish (Church of Scotland) is registered Scottish Charity No SCO13461

Zoom Web Designs  "are pleased to manage and maintain this website and its domain, as a contribution to the Church's work."