- At Kirk of
Calder are not to 'stuffy' to have a laugh at ourselves
CHURCH "INTIMATIONS" ?
A one pound note met a twenty pound note in the
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging
out at the casinos,
The one pound note said, "You know, same
Ten things you never hear in church..............
On their way to church to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked.
"Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted,
"It took me three months to find a minister up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
The following Bible statements were written by children - including their own spelling!,
Dear Technical Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programmes such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1, and installs new, undesirable programmes such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?!!?
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the programme files from the system, once installed. Any new programme files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.
Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this programme runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command "C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad programme that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Childrens Letters to .......SANTA
Dear Santa Claus,
Dear Santa Claus
Dear Santa Claus,
Children's Letters to GOD
Children on .......Love
I think you can fall in love if you have your
picture taken in front of the church
You have to love your baby brother otherwise
he gets wind
Sex is part of love, but not a very good part
If you eat sweets in church the minister tells
Mummy went away even though I loved her
My mother says she is cold and then makes me
put on a coat
When I am at school my mummy has fun
You have to love your own baby because
everyone else finds them a nuisance
I hate school, and school lunches , and all my
Ministers don't laugh much. I think it is
because Jesus didn't tell many jokes
Thank you for calling Heaven,
For English, Press 1.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her national insurance number, followed by the "hash" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local minister.Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
** Avoid alliteration. Always.
How many choir members does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: "We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a casserole.
Methodists: (see Baptists)
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
"Ode to the Spell Checker!"
halve a spelling checker
It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.
The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."
So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case.
A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
The minister, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"
Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of The General Assembly, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at a service the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following, "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the computers.
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
1) During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
4) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
5) It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
8) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
9) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
10) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse) !
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
.......... Wait for it..............
"I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"
Finally ...When your wife asks, "Do I look fat in this?" The correct response is..........,
"Do I look stupid?"